Doing personal writing often motivates me to do the professional writing that I need to do. Months ago I said I was going to do a blog and was feeling pretty excited about it. Well, here I am and what have I written since then? Nothing. So, I’m dusting off this draft of relatively coherent (but incomplete) ramblings and posting them. You’ll notice that the “Black” and “Woman” sections are pretty lean. Maybe I’ll add to those at some point. Is there anything you’d like me to write more about? Wondering my perspective on any particular issues? However, I make no guarantees about where this blog will go or how long it will continue. …
To begin, I’d like to break down the title of the blog: happy…queer…black…woman.
Happy
I’m depressed. And I don’t mean it in the “today sucks, I’m sad” kind of way. Right now, I feel perfectly content. In fact, I spend most of my days feeling quite happy. However, that’s only because I work very hard to keep my depression in check. It’s work and it’s tiring, but it’s what I have to do. Friends have told me that I’m one of the most optimistic and up-beat people that they know. And it’s true…when I’m healthy. The healthy me is happy, energetic and optimistic. Yes, I’m one of those who others might say walks around with rose-colored glasses. It’s not that I don’t see the ugly, nasty, depressing, infuriating things that go on in the world. It’s just that I’m usually able to see past those things to the potential for good. I believe that’s something that I’ve been able to do since I was a child. I’m also one of those people who typically think that our human will can conquer anything that we set our minds to. My optimism and “mind over matter” approach to life have served me quite well. But they are also the reason that it took me so many years to accept the fact that I couldn’t “cure” my depression all by myself. Perhaps I’ll talk about this in more detail in a future blog, but for now I just want to explain why it was important for me to include “happy” in the title of my blog. Being “happy” is not something that I take for granted. Even though it characterizes me most of the time, it requires a serious commitment to taking care of myself.
Queer
I’m queer. And I also happen to be gay. If you want to get even more specific, I’m bisexual…probably, but I don’t think that really matters. I prefer to use the term “gay” to describe myself, primarily because I don’t like identifying as “bisexual.” The closest that I’ll come to that is saying that I’m “bi.” The reason may seem silly to some, but I don’t like sexuality labels that have the word “sex” in them (i.e., homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual). Sex is natural, sex is fun (Thank you, George Michael), but that’s not what I want folks to think about when I’m describing myself or my relationships. “Queer” is a term that I love, as long as it’s not used in a derogatory manner. Being “queer” really has very little to do with my sexuality. I’m different from the norm and unconventional. I think that a lot of folks can personally identify as being queer based on that definition. I’ve felt queer all my life, but didn’t truly realize that I was gay until I was in my 30’s. The first signs that I was gay (that I can remember) were present when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade. I totally hid it from others and even myself until I was an adult. And even then I was terrified to act on my feelings.
Black
I’m black. I’m African American. Yes, I’m a member of the “human race,” but race still matters in our society and some people need to stop pretending that it doesn’t.
Woman
This part of the title is self-explanatory for the most part, but I think that discussions about what it means to be a woman in today’s society are relevant and important. Also, I can’t separate my experience as a woman from any of the above. Issues of gender and sex are considered to be black and white by many people. That’s certainly not the case. There is a lot more gray area than most folks are comfortable acknowledging.
Dionne Farris, “Human” Lyrics:
Before I am black
Before I am woman
Before I am short
Before I am young
Before I am African
I am Human
Because I am black
Because I am woman
Because I am short
Because I am young
Because I am African
I am Human
Before I am black
Before I am woman
Before I am short
Before I am young
Before I am African
I am Human
