New Blog Location

I now have a personal blog on the Psychology Today website. New posts will be added monthly.

Desktop:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/identity-intersections

Mobile Devices:
m.psychologytoday.com/blog/identity-intersections/201402/impostor-syndrome-and-working-harder

Stop the Hate: Letter to the Editor of the Bucknellian

I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.
-Audre Lorde

Here is my letter to the editor of the Bucknellian in response to the editorial that appeared in last week's paper. This letter will appear in this week's issue of the Bucknellian. Thanks so much to Sheila Lintott for encouraging me to write this and editing it for me.

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I must speak out about those things that are important to me, even when I know that my thoughts will likely be misunderstood or challenged. I don’t mind, especially when the result is dialogue. I have been flooded with many emotions since participating in the Stop the Hate Unity Rally on Monday night. Having never attended the rally before, I was excited to take part in something that called for “people of good will to act nonviolently as agents of healing in their communities, to speak up for the victims of hatred and intimidation, and to raise a united voice against hate-inspired violence.” I saw it as an opportunity to connect with like-minded folks.  My 7-year-old daughter, Olivia, was particularly excited about the rally. As Dana, Olivia, and I were preparing to go, Olivia asked if this was a march like Martin Luther King, Jr. led. I told her that it was in that it was a group of people advocating for love and equal treatment for all. Olivia is aware that our family is often treated differently because it includes two moms and a variety of ethnicities. Olivia has always been concerned whether other kids will be where we are going. More recently she has also begun to ask if the event is “gay-friendly.” Sometimes events like the rally leave me feeling conflicted. They often seem to be more about talk than action. I believe that is why many view them as not doing much to actually change the campus or community environment, a view that was expressed in last week’s Bucknellian editorial. But thanks to Olivia, I know that things do fundamentally change as a result of them. For one,  they can change how a child views the world and those around her, and let us not underestimate the value of that. When attending an event, Olivia has clearly communicated to Dana and me that it’s important for her to have other people that she can identify with there (kids) and that it is a safe environment for our family (“gay-friendly”). Initially, I didn’t think much about how frequently she asked about those two things. Then, I began to closely observe her behavior and our behavior as a family at various events. Olivia cares that events we attend are  “gay-friendly” because that’s when we get to act like a real family and the people around us acknowledge us as one. She’s more likely to refer to Dana as “mom” when we are in an overtly “gay-friendly” environment. We are all more likely to hold hands, hug, and show affection in general. Our family is different and Olivia is acutely aware that those differences make some people uncomfortable. Every event, no matter how small, that highlights diversity of any kind opens up our world as a family. Maybe the Stop the Hate Unity Rally won’t change the world. But I believe it and events like it change my family’s world. I believe that the 13 annual stop the hate rallies that have taken place in Lewisburg have made this community a safer place for my family than it would have been without them.

I often think that it is difficult for folks to see the value of activities that don’t seem to have an immediate or direct impact on their lives. I can’t “stop the hate” in the world. And I’m really not interested in trying to. I’d prefer to focus on spreading the love. However, I don’t have a problem with using a “Stop the Hate” rally to do that. How many of you have really looked into the stated purpose of the rally that I quoted at the beginning of this letter? “Stop the Hate” can be more than just a rallying call. Most things are far more purposeful than the title alone might suggest. For critics to focus on an event’s ability to “stop hate” is myopic. When asked what she thought was the most important message of the night she stated, “It’s good to be different, not bad.” Olivia gets it.

The stop the hate rally does nothing to promote hatred. Yes, it acknowledges that hatred and violence exist. But it focuses on our ability as individuals and as a collective to find ways to speak out against hate-inspired violence. Some people do not like me (or even hate me) just because I am black or because I am queer; I don’t let that hate infect me. I focus on love. Hate stops with me.

HQBW Defined

Doing personal writing often motivates me to do the professional writing that I need to do. Months ago I said I was going to do a blog and was feeling pretty excited about it. Well, here I am and what have I written since then? Nothing. So, I’m dusting off this draft of  relatively coherent (but incomplete) ramblings and posting them. You’ll notice that the “Black” and “Woman” sections are pretty lean. Maybe I’ll add to those at some point. Is there anything you’d like me to write more about? Wondering my perspective on any particular issues? However, I make no guarantees about where this blog will go or how long it will continue. …

To begin, I’d like to break down the title of the blog: happy…queer…black…woman.

Happy

I’m depressed. And I don’t mean it in the “today sucks, I’m sad” kind of way.  Right now, I feel perfectly content. In fact, I spend most of my days feeling quite happy. However, that’s only because I work very hard to keep my depression in check. It’s work and it’s tiring, but it’s what I have to do. Friends have told me that I’m one of the most optimistic and up-beat people that they know.  And it’s true…when I’m healthy.  The healthy me is happy, energetic and optimistic. Yes, I’m one of those who others might say walks around with rose-colored glasses. It’s not that I don’t see the ugly, nasty, depressing, infuriating things that go on in the world. It’s just that I’m usually able to see past those things to the potential for good. I believe that’s something that I’ve been able to do since I was a child. I’m also one of those people who typically think that our human will can conquer anything that we set our minds to. My optimism and “mind over matter” approach to life have served me quite well. But they are also the reason that it took me so many years to accept the fact that I couldn’t “cure” my depression all by myself. Perhaps I’ll talk about this in more detail in a future blog, but for now I just want to explain why it was important for me to include “happy” in the title of my blog. Being “happy” is not something that I take for granted. Even though it characterizes me most of the time, it requires a serious commitment to taking care of myself.

Queer

I’m queer. And I also happen to be gay. If you want to get even more specific, I’m bisexual…probably, but I don’t think that really matters. I prefer to use the term “gay” to describe myself, primarily because I don’t like identifying as “bisexual.” The closest that I’ll come to that is saying that I’m “bi.” The reason may seem silly to some, but I don’t like sexuality labels that have the word “sex” in them (i.e., homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual). Sex is natural, sex is fun (Thank you, George Michael), but that’s not what I want folks to think about when I’m describing myself or my relationships. “Queer” is a term that I love, as long as it’s not used in a derogatory manner. Being “queer” really has very little to do with my sexuality. I’m different from the norm and unconventional. I think that a lot of folks can personally identify as being queer based on that definition. I’ve felt queer all my life, but didn’t truly realize that I was gay until I was in my 30’s. The first signs that I was gay (that I can remember) were present when I was in the 3^rd or 4^th grade. I totally hid it from others and even myself until I was an adult. And even then I was terrified to act on my feelings.

Black

I’m black. I’m African American. Yes, I’m a member of the “human race,” but race still matters in our society and some people need to stop pretending that it doesn’t.

Woman

This part of the title is self-explanatory for the most part, but I think that discussions about what it means to be a woman in today’s society are relevant and important. Also, I can’t separate my experience as a woman from any of the above. Issues of gender and sex are considered to be black and white by many people. That’s certainly not the case. There is a lot more gray area than most folks are comfortable acknowledging.

Dionne Farris, “Human” Lyrics:

Before I am black

Before I am woman

Before I am short

Before I am young

Before I am African

I am Human

Because I am black

Because I am woman

Because I am short

Because I am young

Because I am African

I am Human

Before I am black

Before I am woman

Before I am short

Before I am young

Before I am African

I am Human

Welcome!

I don’t really expect folks to be all that interested in my opinion about things, but there’s something about expressing my opinions and making them public that excites me. Perhaps I’m a bit of a voyeur and assume that lots of other people out there are as well. I suppose this makes me an exhibitionist, of sorts. Once the semester ends I will post blogs regularly on all things related to me being a happy, queer, black woman (HQBW) who also happens to be a divorced mother of one in a same-sex partnership. Also, I’m sure I won’t be able to resist relating my experiences as a HQBW to my professional interests and my fascination with popular culture and media. I’m particularly interested in sharing my stories with other HQBWs and hearing from my fellow HQBWs. Of course, friends of HQBWs are welcome too. In fact, you don’t have to be happy, queer, black, or a woman to appreciate my stories and opinions. I’m not interested in promoting an “It’s a HBQW thang, you wouldn’t understand” attitude or agenda. I’m fully aware that not everyone will get my perspective, but the exhibitionist in me can’t resist sharing it.

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”   -Audre Lorde